Monday, December 20, 2004


The high today? 10.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

32 hours of sleep and still suffering from fatigue. Is it over yet?

Thursday, December 09, 2004

The back of my neck has been sore for three whole days.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

my personal timeline

inspiration came right out and smacked me across the face the other day. (as if i don't have enough already to handle this month, i had to go and get ambitious.) but music waits for no one, especially me, and the sounds in my head won't go away until i've written them down.

they are screaming to be heard.

there are plenty other other more importantly crucial things i know i should be doing.

i this how it all is born? with ideas that just won't leave you alone?

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Thursday, December 02, 2004


my stomach's in knots.

caffeine or nerves? true despair or just another girly mood that will pass in a few more days with the onset of blood? it's hard to tell with uneasiness and dissatisfaction all around.

denial? yes.
malaise? i think so.
avoidance? most definitely.

perhaps the only cure is absence.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

a turn for the crazy

an update:
Thanksgiving - different, relaxing, quiet, so many ways.

Black Friday - wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot couldn't pay me enough to shop that day.

Now - it begins - the next 3 weeks will be filled with rehearsal after rehearsal after rehearsal. Rehearsals at least 3 times a week, probably more. My life will not belong to me until December 27th.

See you in a few weeks.

Friday, November 26, 2004

I guess change doesn't have to be bad...just different.

Friday, November 19, 2004

11 june 1996

this is madness
no, if anything, this is serenity

(oh, the delicious things that come back, from nowhere)

separated by two times,
by day, by night
and the manipulation of naivete
last night i felt the approach of nothing.
not too close but on its way, like a wingbeat,
like the cooling of the wind, the slight initial tug of an undertow*

appearances are deceiving

why is the measure of love loss?**

when change abounds

this hole in my heart is the shape of you and no one else can fill it**

do not let me fool you into complacency

the strain of being born over and over has torn your smile into pieces***

*Atwood, Cat's Eye
**Winterson, Written on the Body
***Rich, Leaflets

Thursday, November 18, 2004

maybe i overreact.

perhaps she was right...everything really isn't all the same. i thought i was the only thing different, or at least that's how it feels to me. or, maybe empathy is too much to ask.

get used to it.

will i ever find...

"...peace in that house where memories materialized through the strength of implacable evocation and walked like human beings through the cloistered rooms." -Marquez, 100 Years

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

in the flesh

When I still lived in Cleveland, I religiously watched Fox 8 News every evening.

A couple of years or so ago (maybe longer - my memory is a little foggy), CBS 19 News switched formats. When this happened, I thought, "eh, I'll give them a try. Maybe it'll be good." Well, the new 19 Action News format was certainly, um, different. And by different I mean scandalously and unprofessionally different. So much so that I occasionally tuned in for the mere entertainment value of the reporting itself, not the stories.

We're talking botched stories, one after the other (Julia and Matt can attest to this - they've watched it while visiting). While an anchor was reporting on one story, news footage from something completely unrelated would be rolling in the foreground. Sometimes it was dead air with news footage, sometimes reporter commentary with a black screen. And this happened daily, more often than not.

Usually, the reporting focused the most heavily on the more nefarious things happening around town...anything involving crime, sex, drugs, violence, etc., but mostly sex. It's like Cleveland's local version of Access Hollywood. Sort of. So, when Spencer Tunick came to town, 19 Action News jumped all over the story.

Spencer Tunick has gained international notoriety for photographing masses of nude people in various urban locales...including in front of the UN General Assembly in New York City:
Posted by Hello

Now, I first heard about Spencer Tunick on NPR (I also listen to NPR religiously) on This American Life with Ira Glass. (Incidentally, this is the program which probably catapulted David Sedaris, another of my favorites, to fame.) Anyway, given the nature of NPR programming, one can imagine that any potentially 'shocking' story was broadcast with grace and aplomb.

Not so in Cleveland, which begs the question, "Is it art or is it something else?"

Over the summer, more than 2,700 people braved temperatures in the 50s and a 4 a.m. start time to take part in a nude photo shoot Saturday at a park behind the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum along Lake Erie. This story is innocent enough. However, Julia directed my attention to this story. It seems the station's own Sharon Reed not only reported on the story, but also participated in the photograph, while the station's cameras filmed the entire installation process. Consequently, the streaming video feed on the 19 Action News website provides readers with a teaser of the experience.

Imagine a lascivious-sounding female voice:
"If you were asked by a world-famous artist to pose nude, COMPLETELY naked, would you?"

Personally, I love contemporary art in all forms and facets, including nude photography. Give me Robert Mapplethorpe any day. I think Spencer Tunick, while not terribly original, is indeed an artist, and that his photographs are extremely artistic. To me, these photographs represent raw human vulnerability and really, the connection we all have to one another as people.

19 Action News managed to turn art into defamation when it portrayed Tunick's record-breaking* photograph as soft-core porn.

Feel free to comment.

*previously the greatest collection of nude people for one of his photos - 2500 - was in Montreal

Monday, November 15, 2004

a chili morning

Julia, eat your heart out. I wish you were here to share in the feasting! (See, the corn is for YOU! But there's no venison.)

Thursday, November 11, 2004

My sentiments exactly.

A few years ago, a close friend turned me on to this comic strip, Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis, and now I have it e-mailed to me daily. When I read today's, I nearly fell off my chair. (Click to enlarge.)

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Monday, November 08, 2004

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Ohio, you disappoint me.

I had such high hopes for my former home.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Friday, October 29, 2004

a coffee-induced, quiz. and other stuff.

From a blog i read with some regularity:
1. Would you ever get married in Vegas?
this implies i would have to get married again. which i won't. ever.

2. Favorite game show host?
i would have to watch a game show in order to have a host preference, right? well, then i guess it would have to be Alex Trebek, since Jeopardy is the only game show i've seen in the last 6 months.

3. Next movie you want to see in the theaters?
still dying to see Garden State. (Susan, when are we going?) although, there was a stellar review of Ray in the paper today so now i'd really like to see that. and now i'm craving jazz. and blues.

4. Have you ever been a vegetarian?
oh, how i have tried to be a vegetarian. honestly, i have, but i guess i just don't have the will-power. that is, unless, someone tries to sneak me some venison. you know who you are.

5. If you could go on a sciencey/nature type trip, where would you go?

what about you guys?

now the other stuff:
yesterday i spent about 2 hours in my storage locker clambering over piles of boxes containing all my earthly possessions. didn't find what i was looking for, but found a ton of books about which i'd forgotten. how depressing. i still packed a car-full and brought a bunch home, hoping to take some comfort in losing myself in items from the past...

and...sometime during the night my ear stopped ringing. hallelujah.

(know what i find ironic? when i run spellcheck for the blog post, the word 'blog' always comes up as a mispelling. hmm.)

Thursday, October 28, 2004


didn't sleep last night.
there was an incessant humming in my head...i thought it was the din from the computer, but alas, it was my left ear ringing, oscillating back and forth between Eb-6 and D-6. now i know how you feel.

also, i was randomly surfing around reading blogs, and saw this. i don't intend on having babies with less than 4 legs (dogs and cats, not mutant children, you idiots). or at least that's how i feel today. ask me tomorrow. anyway that photo may help in changing my mind. it's amazing. go look.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

I am very well aware of the things in my life which should have been played out better; I'm conscious of the mistakes I've made. I don't need to be reminded of them, nor do I need my every fault and flaw pointed out to me.

Monday, October 25, 2004

A Straw Hat Weekend in Sackets Harbor

Friday - a feast of beer-boiled shrimp, Italian sausage, and grilled squash. Oh, and beer.

Saturday - I sat out on the beach all afternoon while Susan frolicked across the sand bars, and the boys dug a boat hoist out of the sand. Despite the deceptive appearance of the sun, it was brisk day...water temps probably in the 50s or so. However, that did not stop the boys from participating in a celebratory dunk after the 2 hours of digging out the boat hoist.

Sunday - Ryan was replaced by a pumpkin who just oozes personality, (isn't the resemblance striking?) and Kirk has found his new calling as a carver of 'punkins'. Another gorgeous, sunny afternoon...and our departure.

Friday, October 22, 2004

If you see

JULIA today, wish her a very Happy Birthday!

Thursday, October 21, 2004


I love words.

There are some words that torment me. On the other hand, there are a few words which I find so utterly hilarious - just the sound they make in my ears - that each time I hear them, I am reduced to giggles. Every time. Such words are, in no particular order:


Don't ask.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004


Aside from visiting with my brother in Maryland, my favorite part of the weekend:

The majestic, pastoral views of the battlefields brought me a sort of sense of nostalgia and a new appreciation for Civil War history.


a big thank-you to Ben...I owe you lunch. Probably beer, too.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

the anticipation is comforting...

i'll post pics soon of my weekend in Frederick, MD and Gettysburg...i am SO moving South in a few years.

Friday, October 01, 2004

Letchworth is 'gorges'

Yesterday afternoon, Gretchen and I decided to take an impromptu hiking trip in Letchworth. When we left home, it was gray, dismal, and a little rainy. By the time we got down to Mt. Morris, though, the sky had cleared, the air was warm enough to warrant donning a tank top. We hiked for several hours around the river. I'm surprised I'm not aching today!

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Saturday, September 25, 2004


...the first Saturday in a month that I am not hungover! But where did all these red marks come from?!

Friday, September 24, 2004

baby, it's a wild world

One of the perks of being related to a Seneca Park Zoo employee is the occasional free admission.

I haven't been to the zoo in probably, oh, 8 or 10 years. Maybe longer. When I went with my sister yesterday to pick up her paycheck, we decided to spend some time and walk around a bit. The weather was absolutely gorgeous...perfect for taking a stroll through all the exhibits.

We were able to see the new baby baboon, born earlier this month. I couldn't get close enough to capture him clinging to his mother's belly, but maybe if you look carefully you can see his little pink face in this photo. Also, Genny C., the elephant on the right with the longer tusks, is pregnant. (Love the animal babies!) Did you know the gestation period for an elephant is 22 months?! Christ almighty.

Thursday, September 23, 2004

pages of success

I came away with some good stuff yesterday, from the used book sale including:

Diary of a Mad Housewife by Sue Kaufman
Ice Palace by Edna Ferber
Lake Wobegon Days by Garrison Keillor
Beulah Land by Lonnie Coleman
The Bouviers by John H. Davis
The Nature of Love by Kahlil Gibran
The Thorn Birds by Colleen McCullough
The Inner Game of Music by Barry Green with W. Timothy Gallwey
Serenissima by Erica Jong
This Side of Paradise by F. Scott Fitzgerald
Profiles in Courage by John F. Kennedy (Inaugural Edition)

LBJ and the JFK Conspiracy by Hugh McDonald and Robin Moore
Sophie's Choice by William Styron
The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.

These should keep me busy for a while.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

do people think i'm stupid, or just airheaded? i am constantly being told things i already know, as if i haven't a brain or an ounce of common sense. what gives?

Happy Fall


I'm feeling an ounce better today, probably due to the two little red pills I swallowed earlier. I'm not really sure what they were, but they seem to be effective.

At any rate, my clear sinuses allowed me to venture outside the house for a spell already this, post office, and Ticketmaster where Gretch, Lauren, and I purchased our Ani tickets for the December 11th show. Hopefully Tara will be able to go with us, since we bought her a ticket anyway, without her knowing. (If she can't, we'll need a fill-in, if anyone's interested.)

Later this afternoon, the three of us are headed out to the Webster Public Library used book sale: $3.00 for all the books one can shove in a shopping bag. They didn't specify how big a shopping bag, though. Hmm.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

oh, and i have also noticed that it's been progressively getting dark a half hour earlier every night. almost. but the last time i noticed it, it was dark at 8 (a few days ago), now it's roughly 7:30 and pitch black out. that reminds me i should bring my laundry inside.

and...tomorrow at approximately 12:31pm, we will welcome autumn.


i feel like poo.

i hope it's merely an ass-kicking case of allergies and not a head-cold. i've been told the ragweed count is high. never have i felt this awful, however, as the result of mold, pollen, or other various airborne spores.

my father was kind enough to offer the following consolation:
Dad: "you know, Heidi, symptoms of dehydration often mimic those of head-colds."
Me: "really?"
Dad: "yeah, and you know, dehydration is often caused by excessive drinking."
Me: "oh, i never do that."

Monday, September 20, 2004

your blue eyes are my words...
-PJ Harvey

Sunday, September 19, 2004


Friday 17 September:
Half way to St. Patrick's Day + $3.00 pints of Guinness = very, very bad hangover.

Friday, September 17, 2004

a drivel of nonsense

i don't know what i'm doing
today i am telling myself to slow down and THINK
distance and class; the ignition of thought
to flourish or dwindle?
an indulgence, perhaps

what i really meant to say was this...

Beach Avenue
steam rises off the road masking the unkown
while we barrel through uncertain territory
but also through familiar quick wit
i missed you
i'm glad you are here; back
we drive for hours
we talk through time
where others have been threatened
by twelve years
will it be again

Thursday, September 16, 2004

I am a self-professed music junkie.

The last 4 songs heard on WBER:

1. Timebomb - Rancid
2. More Than This - Roxy Music
3. Run - Snow Patrol
4. Somewhere Only We Know - Keane


Monday, September 13, 2004

Birthday Sticky Lips

To celebrate Gretchen's birthday, yesterday evening Dad took us to Sticky Lips for dinner. Even my sister, pseudo-vegetarian, rescinded her 'no pork except bacon' rule and joined me in ordering some amazing pulled pork. I wish I had leftovers, but, with the perfect portion sized dinner, alas I cleaned my plate.
Dan, and the Birthday Girl, who had just shoved an entire piece of pecan pie in her mouth after our mother told her not to do it.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

like cats and dogs

It has been raining here for the last 24 hours. Everything is wet. My allergies are out of control, and I'm exhausted.

I spent all day yesterday going through choir music, trying to organize the hundreds of pieces of music in to some semblance of order. I decided the only way to do this was to create a database to catalogue my meticulous efforts...title, composer/arranger, part distribution, liturgical season, scripture correspondence, publisher, optional instrumentation, etc. I got about 2/3 of the way through the alphabet, making heroic efforts not the breathe in the dank, mildewy air that damp paper creates. Meanwhile, the piano tuner banged away on the upright in the sanctuary for an hour, adding to my general annoyance with the whole situation.

Today, I will actually transfer my notes from my legal pad into the database. I've always said it's too bad we're not paid for the number of hours it feels like we've worked.

Also, I'll be hunting down this recording to give to my sister for her birthday on Sunday. Anyone heard it yet?

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Kerry Country

My old home state has made me proud to be a former Ohioan. Even the Tribe is doing well this season. Come October, though, I'll really miss Cleveland when Case Western hosts the one and only Vice Presidential debate on the 5th.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Scenes from a Labor Day picnic

Brenda and Lauren...who says Mother and Daughter aren't alike?

Gretchen eyeing the meat.

Dad cooked for an army and the army never showed up. Look at all that chicken! (That's Dad, Lauren, and Gretchen...all the boys were at moe.down.)

(Dad, Lauren, Gretch)

Friday, September 03, 2004

playing that organ must count for something

Last night after my staff meeting, I went over to a friends' to check out their new organs. They have both a Roland AT-90S and an Allen MDS-26 with a MIDI Division. It doesn't get much better than that.

Not quite the MDS-26, this is a pic of the Allen 27-stop Renaissance organ. Still a nice instrument.

Though I am a self-taught organist (piano was my main instrument, harpsichord my minor in college), even I can appreciate the phenomenal sampling on the Allen. Unbelievable.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

"beauty inspires obsession"

I can't recall where I heard about it, but somewhere along the lines of discussions with friends, someone once mentioned an occupation they'd heard about. Now that I'm looking for additional full-time work, I remembered this conversation, and I'm thinking, that would be the coolest job spend all day, every day, reading BOOKS and assessing whether or not they would make good movies. I don't know what sort of qualifications one would have to have in order to be hired for such a task, but I'd do it in a second.

This whole concept came to mind a day or two ago, when I watched Girl with a Pearl Earring, after reading the book last month.

Girl with a Pearl Earring - Johannes Vermeer, Dutch, circa 1665

I loved the book, and I loved the movie. Who wouldn't want to do that for a living?

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

tell me

why am i always so critical of everyone else when i should be focusing on improving myself?

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

I know it's not worth me getting aggravated over, but...'s this for a load of you-know-what?
Already today is the last day of August, and summer will be over soon. Not that we really had a summer anyway. Whenever seasons change, I've innately always started to re-evaluate things in my own life.

I have danced with my demons.
I have questioned what love really is, and what it isn't.
I have been left alone, with dry eyes and confusion.
I have known comfort, pity, obligation, and guilt.
I have tried desperately to fight my way back into my own life.
I keep things separated with gnawing misgivings.
It's funny how I manage to chronicle the creations and the demises, but never the evolution; from beginning to end.

"give me Religion and a lobotomy"

Monday, August 30, 2004

upside down

inside my head the noise

chatter, chatter, CHATTER, chatter, chatter

you're all the same

still coming out of your mothers

upside down

Sunday, August 29, 2004


Remind me never to drink ever again.

Thursday, August 26, 2004

It's Not Unusual

All of my friends have little quirky, endearing traits which make them unique. For example, Julia is fascinated by natural disasters. Beth bears an uncanny resemblance to Tweety Bird. Anne and Julia and both die-hard Anglophiles (we won't hold that against them, though).

Last night, on my way home from rehearsal, I caught the end of an interview with one of my quilty pleasures on Fresh Air. As for me? Heh. Since highschool, I have had an addiction to Tom Jones. So, it wasn't unusual to find magazine clippings of one of my favorite Welsh men (hah!) taped to my locker door before homeroom on any given day.

Look what I found:

(Caption: What's the kinkiest offering ever tossed your way? One time a woman threw a sequined jockstrap, because that year I was wearing sequined jackets. So I picked it up and said, "Well, this is next year's wardrobe.")

(Caption: Is it difficult to work in tight pants? Not really. I grew up in the '50s wearing tight pants.)

Incidentally, this is how cool Tom Jones really 1995 he even did a duet with Tori Amos. *Sighs*

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

How's this for irony?

So, yesterday Ryan tells me he's using the Kostka/Payne Tonal Harmony text in school, which is the same book Julia and I used at B-W. This prompted me to dig out some of my old notes, all of which I kept. Leafing through them, I discovered several quotes I had written down, coined by our old Harmony professor Dr. Hirt. Love that man....

A few of my favorite Hirt-isms:
"If I'd had good eyes, I would've been a fighter pilot."

Written on a homework assignment:
"Thanks for keeping your work from last quarter - 20 points extra credit"

In reference to an F#-Ab-C triad:
"Root-less sonorities, not ruthless...ruthless...heh heh heh."

"You don't hear spelling. Spelling does not preclude function."

"But wait, Dr. Hirt! You have two secondary dominants in a row! So what?!"

"My wife says I'm the only one who thinks I'm funny."

"Two tritones nested inside one each other...that's a train...hmm...train-tone?!"

In reference to a female classmate's red sweater:
"That's a nice sweater. I would wear it, I mean, if I know..."

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Almost a disaster

Friday night we went over to Ben and Susan's for a wine-drinking-classical-music-listening get together.

(This is what happens when Ben has too much.)

On the evening's agenda was, first and foremost, the consumption of five bottles of wine between the four of us. I think my favorite was the Piping Shrike Shiraz that Ryan and I had selected.

And for the listening segment?
1. the Meyer Bottesini Concertos with Josh Bell (hubba hubba) and Yo-Yo Ma (Ben's selection)
2. Dear Boy from Candide (Bernstein, of course), and some other things that escape me now, which Susan chose. I vaguely recall some Sinatra in there somewhere. Susan - some help??
...and the three things I brought over as my contribution:
3. the Mahler 9th (New York Phil with Kurt Masur)
4. The Great Gates of Kiev from Pictures (my favorite Cleveland Orchestra/Dohnanyi recording of all time)
5. the first movement from Brahms' 4th in E Minor, Op. 98
Maybe it was the wine, but I cried pretty much all night. I wish everyone could be moved by music like that.

Once we ran out of wine, though, Ben convinced us to go to Jack's for last call. At first we thought we'd walk, since it's nearby. We headed out up the hill, the three of us arm in arm, with Susan still at home passed out on the living room floor. I guess I decided I didn't want to walk so we turned around and got in the car. After a pint or two of Guinness, well...I've definitely felt better than I did Saturday morning.

Good times.

photos from moving day

Thank goodness this is over!

Here we go!

TJ gettting rid of (breakable) unwanted stuff, while working out some frustrations, too. Gotta love the sound of shattering glass.

John in the truck

John's balancing act