even more depressed

I just found out my co-worker's wife died this morning of cancer. She had been ill for a long time, but I don't think that prepared any of us at all, really. I didn't know Pam at all, but I've worked with her husband for 3 years. I started thinking about what it would be like to lose my own spouse. In a way I already have, because mental illness takes a person away almost entirely. All I'm left with is someone who looks like my husband, but who is a complete stranger to me. It's a living nightmare, really. Now I think about how I will react when it's time for my parents to go, and how will each of them react to the other's passing? Scary stuff. I'm not ready for any of it, mostly because I still feel like I'm 12 years old sometimes and couldn't possibly survive without my parents in my life.