Tuesday, July 19, 2005


I haven't known what to write about lately. The blahs of summer heat have usurped all creativity, dried up all motivation. But I am feeling more like myself these days, compared to how things were last summer. I feel like I know myself again and that is ok to be how she is; how I am.

Yesterday marked two years since Ex's hospital admission to the psych ER at St. Joseph's. This day haunts me, which may explain the nausea I experienced last night, the uneasiness of the last few days, knowing the inevitable anniversary was approaching.

Why is it that this happens? Why do we "celebrate" the painful anniversaries as well as the joyous ones? Haven't I have healed?

I remember....hours of waiting, dozens of doctors, Ex's incoherence exacerbated by not knowing where he was or what was happening to him...the painful shot of Haldol he would only take in the bicep, rather than the traditional rear-end shot, and his clouded words as he drifted out of consciousness: "Don't leave me."

Which I, of course, did.


Ryan said...

It was a terrible ordeal for all involved, but it's not your fault. Try not to beat yourself up over the choices you've made. Things would've turned out similarly if he hadn't gotten sick, it just would've dragged on for longer and feelings would've been hurt in different ways.

Just remind yourself of that when you have to, "it was awful, but it wasn't my fault."

My shoulder is here for you whenever you need it. *hugs*

Cassandra said...

When painful memories haunt my mind I remind myself that:

Everything is as it should be.

The pain mixed in with laughter, sadness, joy, love, and quirkiness have brought me to the very spot I sit in today. If anything had been even one iota different, then I wouldn't be where I am or who I am.

Imagine your life without Ryan?

Cassandra said...

p.s. I'm glad your re-surfacing :) It's nice to hear the honesty of your voice.

DC said...

I hear the honesty in your writing. I'm afraid I only have philosophy to reply with - hope it is something.


This may sound flipant, but I I heard yesterday, how the brain stores traumatic memories in a different way to normal memories.

Apparently the neurons link up in different ways to store the memory.

Which is why they haunt us for so much longer.


From what I read, you did the absolute right things.

But there's a differece between feelings and actions. They can be separated from each other.

This means we can do the best thing possible, but still feel terrible or hurt from it. Because actions don't always match up to feelings about those actions.


Hang in there. Keep working through the feelings.

Ryan said...

Cassandra & Pax,

For what it's worth, and even though you two are addressing Ms. Battlemaiden, I'd like to say I think you're both fabulous. Very compassionate and supportive, and I'm sure she appreciates it. And I know she appreciates the intelligent discourse which you provide... she likes them smart people!

And, about the times you've suggested that she's an amazing woman: yes.

Cassandra said...

Thanks Ryan :) positive feedback is always nice to hear. Somehow in my connection with Ms. Battlemaiden I feel connected to you too...interesting how that works. Oh, and I have a feeling that you're amazing too...big cheesey smile!

battlemaiden said...

Oh, stop! *blushes*

I love all of you!! :)

Ryan said...

What a wonderful love-fest we have here! hehe If I'm amazing, my blog writing doesn't show it off like Ms. Battlemaiden's does... she's a wonderful, creative, gifted writer, as we can all see.

DC said...

Group hug :-)

Cassandra said...

Big squeeze :)